Thank God, It's Fatal ..

Arms fold

Head bows

Legs curl

Tears flow

How can someone understand

what it means to be

alone?

One

person, one

girl.

Alone, in

a grasping darkness called

life.

She sits in her corner,

tears blurring

the world created

for her

by others.

Unloved, unexperienced,

naive.

Innocent.

Death seems her only path,

her only

escape.

An easy way

out,

from the pain,

from the fear.

Redemption in a

blade.

Silver flashes

Crimson runs

Flesh whitens.

I don’t know what exactly happened yesterday .. was it because I saw something, or I read something, or someone said something to me, or just something happened. Last thing I remember was I was chatting with this guy, asking him about something .. he replied, I read, clicked something, I guess and then ..

The computer, the table, the keyboard disappeared, instead what I saw, was a virtual rewind of what happened earlier with me. The good things, the bad ones. Everything from school to orkut.

And then .. then, I realized something. That I am so dumb. I have been behaving so stupidly, so immature. Dad is right, I have this own fantasy world, where whatever I want to happen, happens. And when, I turn back to reality, and I find it to be the something completely contrasting, I slip back to solitude. Some call me crazy, some moody, some silly. I am, all of that, and more. Idiotic. Main hamesha bakwaas karti rahti hoon. I don’t deserve any friends. I am surprised, no one yet calls me boring. From what I saw, I concluded that I was the most irritating, the most boring, and the worst.

Maybe this is the reason I performed so bad. That’s why I got the lowest aggregate among my friends. That’s why I keep hurting my parents. That’s why I keep getting hurt. That’s why bad things happened with me, and they still are. That’s why I’ve always been fooling myself.

Nothing exists. All my dreams, my illusions, false impressions have finally shattered. Broken. Devastated. What more could a girl ask who has unknowingly been so stupid and foolish, who hadn’t given proper thoughts before to what might happen if she faces such a situation.

I feel extremely bad now. It’s natural, I know. It’s kind of, what happens, when a drug-addict tries to leave drugs. Withdrawal symptoms, they are called, I remember reading them in Biology. Funny how everything seems crystal clear and shockingly real when you are shoved heartlessly into a world of abysmal realism. Things that were unclear to me yesterday seem unambiguous. Things that were tremendously significant to me seems trivial. Things that were irrelevant yesterday, seems the kind of things I should’ve paid more attention to. Things that were apparently clear, their “real clarity” is now buried in my heart. Kabristaan. I find happiness in this word.

Thank God, it’s fatal.

I have been in Class XI now. It is like a prelude to how my life will be for the next 10 years or so. It has been good so far. I think I am in the right place. Those who know me won’t be surprised by hearing that. People tell me that I have this habit of rationalization, to be satisfied in whatever I have. May be that's true as well, but I am all set to not change things and be the way I am. My mind is rationalizing again, telling me "this is where you will be the most happy". Alone. Unknown.

Someone I have known for a very short time had come down from Varanasi to meet me yesterday too. People I have known or cared for years refuse to make that kind of effort. Love you for that Usmaan. I am not making any judgments about anybody here. I am myself one of those who will easily miss out on birthday calls, forget to call, forget to say hi, forget to smile. Not that I don't care, I am just lazy or acting busy or pretending to be very upset with my life and taking a break from everyone. I have wasted too much time with people who don't matter to me anymore, at the cost of those who do. No wonder someone addressed me as a 'socialite' a few days ago.

I have realized that I am a very average person, by person I mean "person". I am a fighter cock, confused, careless, forgetful, selfish, stupid and indecisive. And still I prefer myself the way I am. My latest rationalization is "beauty lies in imperfection".

I am sorry to all of them, whom I’ve inadvertently hurt with my childishness and immaturity. I won’t upset you any further. Please forgive me, if you can.

Yesterday, was also my mom’s birthday. Not important for me. I don’t love her that much. Strange? Not to me. But today, it seems, that it indeed was the most important day of my life. Strange how God can make days and people important in a second.

Do you know a moment of time may make us unhappy for ever ..

Have you any idea how long a night can last, spent lying alone and sobbing?

She came to the village church,

And sat by a pillar alone;

An angel watching an urn

Wept over her, carved in stone.

I will keep my selfish desires to blurt out my head, instead accompany Anna and Mad U who have been waiting for me.