Survival Theories

Upon receipt of news which ruffles more than a feather or two, one feels the blood rush to the cheek and eyes. No you do not know how to handle it. You don't want to know either. You want to slip away quietly. Get out, hide your feelings and unleash the plethora of emotions on someone who will not judge. 
So you slip away. You do not want to be seen by anyone. No one must know what your mind is going through and the mind is not helping at all in making a secret out of it. Flushed, drained, shaky - you seek solitude. Avoiding darting glances, you stealthily find someplace you can lock yourself up in. You feel the emotions flow down. You want to talk. You want to just talk to someone who will not just get it, who will tell you that it will be okay and means it too. 

 There's no one though. So you sink. To the floor. Telling yourself that it is okay and that it will be better. You wipe your tears. Dilute the emotions with a fake smile. You check in the mirror. Once. Twice. Wishing away the redness. Must wait some more. The muscles they contort again, as the eyes stare deep into the reflection of the eyes. Not wishing for anything. Just wishing for nothing. Give nothing at all. No grief. No happiness. You pick it up, the sinking smile, the sinking heart, the pang of loneliness. Gulping down a glass of water, you shroud everything you feel inside, brace yourself to face the others, only to find a lonely spot soon, feel the muscles breaking away from the smile - sinking. With noone to witness it. 






You survive. Not happily and satisfactorily. But you do.

One Missed Call

One missed call. She unlocked her phone hoping that it would be the phone call she had been waiting for. And then she saw who it was.

It was nothing. A zero must feel exactly this way - a thought flashed through the head which was concerned with the going-ons of that day. After giving it exactly one second worth of thought, she called back.

The voice at the other end was all too familiar. "How have you been?"

"Been good"

A few more sentences were exchanged and she hung up. She had never thought it would come to this. This vast expanse filled with nothing-ness.

And the next second, she was back to wondering about the missed call she had been waiting for.

On Being Good

With an almost blind belief, I have led most part of my life following the diktat of what goes around, comes around. And for the most part, it turned out to be just that way. For the one injustice I did to a certain someone, I got it back in full measure in it's vileness and how small it all made me feel. 






So far but now. A certain someone told me that I was the best they will ever know. For a fact, I know they mean it too. But of course, there will be very very few people I trust when they say some such thing to me. But then, the first question that popped up in my head was - is that enough or even necessary? Why is the one who is complimenting me sorted in every way and I am not. And I was the good one. Where am I? More unsorted than what I have been before, in my present years.More clueless with the years advancing. Did I get too busy being those things that define 'good'. Why was I even hung up on being the good, the fair and the honest one. Always. What did it get me? Peaceful sleep and no regrets? But then, I regret being good. I never had the fun. I never screwed up and mostly managed to be perfect. And on more than one occasion blamed everything apart from my own self for such a state of affairs which make being evil a tough and an unthinkable proposition. 


Is the belief over? 



Not really. Not till when I am jolted out of it with the shock of a lifetime. And maybe even then I will walk on and live in my own little bubble of 'karma' - just in case there really is such a thing.