Survival Theories

Upon receipt of news which ruffles more than a feather or two, one feels the blood rush to the cheek and eyes. No you do not know how to handle it. You don't want to know either. You want to slip away quietly. Get out, hide your feelings and unleash the plethora of emotions on someone who will not judge. 
So you slip away. You do not want to be seen by anyone. No one must know what your mind is going through and the mind is not helping at all in making a secret out of it. Flushed, drained, shaky - you seek solitude. Avoiding darting glances, you stealthily find someplace you can lock yourself up in. You feel the emotions flow down. You want to talk. You want to just talk to someone who will not just get it, who will tell you that it will be okay and means it too. 

 There's no one though. So you sink. To the floor. Telling yourself that it is okay and that it will be better. You wipe your tears. Dilute the emotions with a fake smile. You check in the mirror. Once. Twice. Wishing away the redness. Must wait some more. The muscles they contort again, as the eyes stare deep into the reflection of the eyes. Not wishing for anything. Just wishing for nothing. Give nothing at all. No grief. No happiness. You pick it up, the sinking smile, the sinking heart, the pang of loneliness. Gulping down a glass of water, you shroud everything you feel inside, brace yourself to face the others, only to find a lonely spot soon, feel the muscles breaking away from the smile - sinking. With noone to witness it. 






You survive. Not happily and satisfactorily. But you do.

One Missed Call

One missed call. She unlocked her phone hoping that it would be the phone call she had been waiting for. And then she saw who it was.

It was nothing. A zero must feel exactly this way - a thought flashed through the head which was concerned with the going-ons of that day. After giving it exactly one second worth of thought, she called back.

The voice at the other end was all too familiar. "How have you been?"

"Been good"

A few more sentences were exchanged and she hung up. She had never thought it would come to this. This vast expanse filled with nothing-ness.

And the next second, she was back to wondering about the missed call she had been waiting for.

On Being Good

With an almost blind belief, I have led most part of my life following the diktat of what goes around, comes around. And for the most part, it turned out to be just that way. For the one injustice I did to a certain someone, I got it back in full measure in it's vileness and how small it all made me feel. 






So far but now. A certain someone told me that I was the best they will ever know. For a fact, I know they mean it too. But of course, there will be very very few people I trust when they say some such thing to me. But then, the first question that popped up in my head was - is that enough or even necessary? Why is the one who is complimenting me sorted in every way and I am not. And I was the good one. Where am I? More unsorted than what I have been before, in my present years.More clueless with the years advancing. Did I get too busy being those things that define 'good'. Why was I even hung up on being the good, the fair and the honest one. Always. What did it get me? Peaceful sleep and no regrets? But then, I regret being good. I never had the fun. I never screwed up and mostly managed to be perfect. And on more than one occasion blamed everything apart from my own self for such a state of affairs which make being evil a tough and an unthinkable proposition. 


Is the belief over? 



Not really. Not till when I am jolted out of it with the shock of a lifetime. And maybe even then I will walk on and live in my own little bubble of 'karma' - just in case there really is such a thing.

Respect.

It is rare that I will have a heart to heart with any of my folks. Mostly the lack of deep conversation emanates from the discomfort of being judged on choices made. Though for once, the first in my lifetime I, the so called strong woman in the family reached out to the motherhood for help. The help word freaked out the folks because they know their daughter to be someone else altogether. In a moment of rage, hurt and stinging tears, the confessions tumbled out. No surprise. No judgments. Just soothing words. A few scattered comments. But mostly, all attention.

And then the advice: It isn't going to be rosy. You must settle with it.

I grew up in a typical household wherein I saw the ladies doing the "holding the family together" bit. Mostly, I grew up to understand the importance of equality as much as the folks tried to instill in me the reality that I was in fact a woman. And settling in would be something that I will be required to do. At various points. Not compromises. Compromise is still a mutual agreement on dealing with certain situations a certain way. Settling in - no arguments, no show downs. Just coming to terms with how it is. Often, I would question - Why can't the other party do it as much as I do it. These questions would be in relation to broken friendships, people who turned their backs in the moment of crisis etc.

The more I was told to come to terms with the settling in part, the more rebellious I became. Partly, because I knew it to be unfair. And partly also because an extremely rigid sense of right and wrong was installed in me long long ago. So long ago, that I do not even remember when. It is probably something that never came from the surroundings. It came from within somewhere.

Mostly, I have come to respect what women from the generation of my folks have managed to do. If I was in extreme denial and disbelief as a teen of 15 or 16, today I have managed to put it all on a pedestal for worship. Not because I think I need to be that ways. But because it requires courage, patience, sacrifice and letting go of your own desires to keep things together and tethered. To scatter is easy, to keep it together is going to be painful - says she. And I believe her. I tell her I won't be the only one doing the keeping together bit. Because, I know I am worth it. I am worth being fetched, loved and kept. The folks shake their heads. They probably know that someday I might give up. But I think I won't because I know that if I have a daughter, I want her to know that she is beautiful and that she deserves to be respected. I want her to know that her feelings are valuable. That in no way she should get bogged down or let anyone mess up her self esteem. That she must be open, that her own values might get tested, that she must sometimes stand her ground firmly. And if I have a son, I know I will tell him that there will be someone who will make him special and he needs to be fair to her. And if he can't, I would blame my upbringing. That's how my mother brought me up. That's how every woman should feel. Because, many among us will put in our hearts and souls in to nurturing others. And it is only fair, to be loved and respected and have the rest of the world be grateful that we can indeed love you, cherish you and make you feel the center of our universe. The least you can do is - respect that; and deal with the things we can't do.

Because on good days, we will stand by you, love you, hold you and be good to you. On bad days, just like you have those, we will need exactly what we gave to you.

It is fair. And many among us, truly deserve that.

Since You Left

The pain and hurt remain as vivid in the heart as if it was happening right now - like you were moving away in all of that lazy haze that swirled around you. I held out my hand in release or as a desperate attempt to reach out to you still - was it yesterday? 

Was it time that swept you away across the farther end of the board and then stood still or was it my own mind forgoing all physical strings that remained long after the mind had already nipped off all vital connections between you and me. Why still is the pulse beating lazily setting off the jumbled mumbo jumbo of a movie - snippets of you and me, of you, of me, and then of you and me. Were it supposed to be that I will mirror you - aren’t you the past which has forever crept into my present and every moment of the future; slowly passing through the present and moving on to become the past again. Why are you not past. There isn’t a denial, neither any desire to pull back the past to the present. There is a dull throb in the head filled with an overwhelming realization that you; my friend are forever going to be what defined me. What defines me. What will define me.

 
You are the experience. The learning. The regrets. The good. The bad. Me

You are the loss I have no regrets for. You are those faces I know are not the same. The reflections that got caught and froze in the mirror of my mind. The reflections that remain oblivious to reality and change. I reach not to clasp you with both my hands; for you are gone. Forever. The pulse beats lazily. The movie plays. In rewind. Then fast forward.

The games we play - are just scenes from a memory.

For A Truly Perfect Day

The alarm went off at 7 am and she woke up. It was time to get ready and go.

As soon as she woke up, a kiss was planted on her cheek lovingly wishing her birthday. She hugged back and swung out of the bed and under the shower.


The hustle bustle had started and as she hastily picked up her belongings from various corners of the room and stuffed them into the bag. Some where at the back of her mind, she wondered about what was as usual missing from the special day. She left the air conditioned walls of her room and tip toed into the other room.
All was quiet.

She quietly stepped back with a wistful smile on her face, swallowing the tears in her eyes till they sunk deep back into the sockets and stepped out to a rainy day.

Popping open the pink umbrella, she gingerly made her way to where she was to be picked up. The new shoes gathered the rain and muck without least bothering the wearer. She was lost in some other world altogether.

The day was special and everyone around her made it as special as she could have possibly wished for.

Getting back home, the same thought played on her mind. It had been years now. The same day, the same feeling - every single year.





That day she decided she couldn't anymore. And away she went. To save herself from the thought that now pervaded every single moment she saw him; the same feelings gnawing at her insides. The feeling of rejection, of unimportance of not being what she ought to be to him.
















She quit.

What if.

What if, we forget the baggage.

Forget the tears. Forget the silent accusations. And the loud ones. Forget the rainy nights on the wet roads. Forget the half-complaints. And the insecurities. Forget the the first exchanged message on facebook. Forget the bleeding nose. Forget the million moments of shared laughter. Forget judging and being judged. Forget the first hurried conversation. Forget the smiling mornings. Forget the snooze button and the systematic morning regime that follows. Forget the claustrophobic nights.







Forget the abuses, the ones we mean and the ones we dont. Forget the shoes. Forget the cooking. Forget the shopping. Forget moving-in day. Forget the countless moving-out night. Forget the past. Forget the missed calls from him. Forget the future. Forget college. Forget the first night at the hotel. And the third one at the hotel.




Forget the badly made tea. Forget the midnight maggi. Forget the naked walks around the house. Forget the super-smell of suji ka halwa. Forget the birthday. Forget the marthon across Vasant Vihar. Forget the belt. Forget the lies. Forget the truth. Forget GTalk. Forget the love. Forget the CLAT. Forget chinese food.


Forget the hate. Forget the ego and the indifference that comes with it. Forget the jokes. Forget the sarcasm. Forget the first time. Forget the last time.


What if we forget everything.

And meet for a cup of coffee.

What if?

The Wonder of You

7 am in the morning. She picked up the phone and called.
A thought kept nagging her again and again - Should I do this? Is this necessary?

A sleepy voice answered at the other end.

She let go; of every inhibition, let go of the mask of strength she had worn for so many years. She just heard the hello, and every pretense came cascading down all around her.

I hate you - she said. The voice seemed disturbed in it's quiet sigh. It said nothing.
You made me like you, you brought me up too straight, too brash and arrogant with too big a sense of right/wrong, too loved, too independent, too impatient, too attached, too loving and now I must be this my entire life. Why have you done this to me? - She bit her lip between words, between tears rolling incessantly down her cheek.
Why could you not make me more crooked? I could have survived with so much ease. Why did you not teach me how to give up? Why am I a shadow of you.

The voice quivered and said - I am sorry. Just, you were always this way.


And tears rolled down, for the heartache they had felt, for so so long - all alone; in their own little worlds.


When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on

And you're always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
That's the wonder
The wonder of you

And when you smile the world is brighter
You touch my hand and I'm a king
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune
Your love for me is everything

I'll guess I'll never know the reason why
You love me like you do
That's the wonder
The wonder of you

The Flower Girl. The Guitar Guy.

Been more than an year. I miss you, almost everyday.
Time has probably reduced the anger but not your memories.
And your smile comes to my mind daily; out of nowhere.

I wish I could call you up and talk to you. The number is still on my list. Did dial it the other day - for no reason at all. Then chuckled to myself. Why would I do that knowing well that there will be no answer at the other end. Hanging on to whatever remains of you - the Orkut profile picture, the testimonial you wrote.

Love you.
Miss you.
And the guitar.

I wish I had taken your call that day.
Wish you were within my reach.

As Good As It Gets

Josh sat on his desk looking through a plethora of flower arrangements. Nothing appealed to him. Nothing seemed good enough to match up to Grace. Nothing was special enough.

“Finally ... something she would love. Or is there something better I can do for her?” He thought.

He sat there staring at the screen... Pay or Cancel... Cancel or Pay

Grace looked at her cup intently, focusing on the remains of her coffee, wondering if she would ever learn to read the future in it. She had tried several websites and books but all in vain.

As the clouds roared in the background, she thought to herself "It’s going to rain, but I can’t see any clouds in here for sure."

She concentrated harder and could make out a man, or a car or ... After spending a few more minutes with her cup, she decided that it was just a white mug with a coffee stain - the one that needs to be washed.

A sudden knock on the door busted her concentration.

"Coming" she shouted. She placed the coffee mug on the table and ran to the door.

Knock Knock

"I said I am coming!" she frowned

She opened the door to a crisply dressed middle aged man with flowers in his hand and a lovely black limousine in the background.

"Miss. Grace" the man smiled, handing her the flowers and a small note.

Delighted with herself at finally being able to successfully comprehend the coffee stain, she hurriedly opened the letter.

Hi Hun

No questions - Just get ready and get in the car.

Love
Josh

Grace smiled at the man and asked "What’s your name?"

"I'm Joe"

"Thanks Joe, I will be out soon!"

Half an hour later, Grace stepped out of her door. Dressed in Josh's favorite dress, she looked like an angel draped in red.

Grace called out "Joe, Thanks for waiting", covering her head with her purse as the blues and grays of the sky begun spraying the first shower of the season.

Joe opened the rear door for her as she ran towards the car.

She entered the car and to her surprise, she found Josh there waiting for her. She beamed at him.

"So?" she asked as her eyes lit up with amusement

"I said no questions, didn’t I?"

"But..."

"Shhhhhh.... Is it just you or all girls are like this?"

"What?"

"See... another question"

And they burst out laughing...

The tip tap of the rain grew louder. Grace looked outside and then looked at Josh grinning widely with sheer joy exuding through her expressions.

"You love rains don’t you?" Josh said

"Yes! It’s the best" she said bursting with exhilaration

Josh laughed as Grace giggled like a school girl.

“Joe, stop the car.” Josh said

"Are we there?" Grace questioned

"What did I tell you?" Josh questioned her back

"No questions!" she frowned

Josh removed his shoes, opened the door and stepped out. He came to Grace's side and opened the door, extending his hand for her.

"Take off your shoes"

"Bu..." she left the word hanging in the air, removed her shoes and held his hand to step out.

The rain fell like a thousand sprinklers upside down.

"Let’s walk" he said and led her to the adjoining park. She followed.

"Josh... check this out"

She jumped in a puddle of water "Woooooo!"

"Ah! You are such a kid" and Josh followed.

They put their arms around each other and walked on the wet grass talking, laughing, playing and jumping in the water puddle whenever one came in the way.

The hues of green looked splendid - fresh and laden with drops of water.

He let go of her hand as she raised her head to face the sky and extended her arms, her palms reaching out for the drops of heaven that kissed her skin tenderly.



"I saw her sitting in the rain, raindrops falling on her.”

Surprised, Grace turned around, smiling from ear to ear.

"She didn't seem to care. She sat there and smiled at me." Josh continued singing as he walked towards her

He took her left hand and placed it on his right shoulder. Placing his right hand on her waist, he swirled her around in a circle.

"And I knew - I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew
She could make me happy - happy, happy"

Swinging from right to left, from left to right, he went on…

"Flowers in her hair, flowers everywhere.
I love the flower girl, oh, I don't know just why. She simply caught my eye.”

He pulled her closer and swayed gently from side to side as she joined him and sang.

“I love the flower girl, she seemed so sweet and kind. She crept into my mind. "

“Flowers in her hair, flowers everywhere.
I love the flower girl, oh, I don't know just why. She simply caught my eye.
I love the flower girl; she seemed so sweet and kind. She crept into my mind."

Josh hugged her, enveloping her snugly in his arms “Hun, You are a terrible singer." Josh murmured

"Ummm... I know" Grace said tucked securely in his embrace "And you are a terrible dancer"

"What?" Josh said

"No questions Mister... remember?"

They both looked at each other explodeing in a loud chortle. They walked back to the car, drenched in rain, water dripping from their hair and clothes.

"I'm hungry" Grace said making a sad face...

"Well, if they will let us in, we maybe able to get back on track with the original plan!"

Josh asked Joe to take them to the restaurant as they settled in their seats.

"Josh..." Grace said "Thanks for this. It couldn’t have been better"

"Don’t thank me, I didn't order the rains!"

"But it wasn’t the rains..." She looked at him affectionately "It was you. The rains will never be the same again" she said with a warm smile.

He took her face in his palms and kissed her gently "Happy Birthday Hun!"

The radio crackled in the background

"Suddenly the sun broke through (see the sun)."

Josh continued staring at the screen... Pay or Cancel... Cancel or Pay

"I turned around she was gone (where did she go).
And all I had left was one little flower from her hair."

He clicked on cancel as the music filled the room

"But I knew (I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew), she had made me happy (happy, happy).”

The sound of her sweet voice filled his memory as her words echoed in his mind - The rains will never be the same again.

Indeed… NEVER…